Who are these people who interpret the Bible for us, who decide what is meant to be taken literally, and what isn't?

I believe that it happens to be a cultural interpretation that the American evangelical church is following, and let me explain why before the hail of knives is chucked in my general direction.

In almost every church, there is a 'general agreement' about what the Bible means and what God wants us to do, which can only lead to two logical conclusions:

1. God has individually enlightened each church to his teaching, and this is a sign that we are on the right track.

2. A central human authority has dictated the scripture's meaning and has handed it down to the rest of the churches.

3. Aliens are using mind-control to make us think there is a God so we don't discover they exist.


So how do we rule one or the other out? Well, here's how I would do it, because Jesus said you would know a tree by it's fruit. Look at our culture.  What are we doing with ourselves?

People in America go to church to 'worship' God. Then, they go home and the worshipping ends. We all go back to our axe-murdering and child abuse, like nothing ever happened. But let's talk about sports (yay, sports) because if someone likes a team, they become that team. Some people's lives revolve around their team. That's why they get so crazy when their team gets swept in the playoffs two frickin' years in a row. That's worship. They worship their teams. Most people don't worship God or really care about God.

If anyone thinks that they're good with God just for believing he exists is like thinking you have a million dollars just because you believe it exists. That just doesn't make any sense. That would be like saying "Oh? Mariah Carey? Yeah, me and her are best friends.", which of course, is wrong, because it should be 'her and I', but also, is even wronger if you just went to a few Mariah Carey concerts.


So, then, let's talk about the minority of Christians, who get all cray-zee for JC. What are their top priorities? Right now, it seems like their priorities are heavily concerned with legal and political issues. Laws are important, but are not part of what the gospel teaches. What does the gospel teach? Repent of your sins, love God, love people and share the message of Christ. In fact, when a rich man asked Jesus how he could be saved, Jesus told the man to give everything he had away to follow his teaching. So, the man freaked out and decided to leave Jesus.

Now, America is a rich nation, and yet, I don't see anyone giving up all their possessions. None of the pastors I've seen are like Jesus. They all live in big houses and wear suits. Some flaunt it more than others, while others hide it. They would tell you "Jesus didn't mean that literally. He meant that you have to realize that things aren't important and be willing to give it up." I'm serious.

But when it comes to issues that they deem to be more important, we pour on the literallyness like syrup. If you take homosexuality, for example, any informed Christian will open a Bible and go to the first chapter Romans and have the Apostle Paul argue their case for them. If they're less-informed, they'll simply say "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

Well, guess what? Adam and Eve weren't married. The Bible never says they were married. But, if you think they were simply because no one else existed, then take into consideration that they were also naked, and had no razor blades, and therefore, were covered in hair. That's right; Eve was a bearded lady. So, if you're wearing clothes and shaving your legs, then watch out when it's rainy.

I learned some really important things in the special Sunday school for teens. First, I learned that Christianity can still be totally rad and extreme. It doesn't make you a total square just because you can't use the f-word, g-d word, a-h word, m-f word, s-o-b word, s-word or c-words anymore. You can still ride dirt bikes around and yell "Woo, awesome!", which really, makes me feel so much more assured of my purpose in the universe.

Second, I learned that if you show your mid-drift, you will be causing young men to 'stumble', and therefore, you will be sinning. Same with bikinis.

Third, I learned that Hell is a very real place, and that we're gonna end up going there if we do not repent and give our lives to Jesus. Some people say "Oh, heaven and hell are things we create on Earth in our own minds.", which obviously makes sense, because my tiny mind can't comprehend anything outside my own current temporal existence. However, deep, deep below the Earth's surface is the realm of the tortured, who burn for eternity in the all-consuming fires of Hell.

Well, if Hell exists, it obviously raises a lot of questions. The most obvious question is: Do all Gypsies go to Hell? After really thinking it over, I say no. If they repent from being Gypsies, then they'll probably get to go to Heaven, where they can lick the purple lollipop eat from the tree of life.

Also, here's another scenario: suppose someone is gay. The gay man wants to go to Heaven and loves God and Jesus (but not sexually), and he wants to be a good Christian, but unfortunately, he is undeniably attracted to men. If his flaming gayness is a sin, will Jesus' forgiveness be enough to help this poor schmuck out, or is he doomed to burn like a giant replica of Barney the Purple Dinosaur at one of my cousin's bonfires?

The loving Christian answer is that he just needs to fight against his gayness and either force himself to have sex with women or castrate himself with a hacksaw.


Here's a third question. What if there was a Muslim who was raised Muslim and has never heard the gospel, then, out of the blue, an albatross flies through his chest for no reason and he dies. Will God take into consideration that he lived according to what he truly believed God wanted him to do, or will God throw him into Hell?

Finally, what exactly is in Hell? Some people say darkness and loneliness, and others say thousands of souls burning in a volcanoesque environment. These both can't be right, because of there are millions of screaming people around you, you're probably not going to feel lonely. Plus, the glow magma would illuminate the area, thus negating the total darkness. I also hear that the "Mama Mia!" theme plays forever and ever, looping for eternity.

Maybe the afterlife isn't as simple as Heaven and Hell. Jesus talks about a bunch of different spiritual realms, Gehenna, Sheol, Heaven, The Kingdom of Heaven, and Paradise. Plus, Jesus tells his disciples that "In my Father's house, there are many rooms, and I am preparing a place for you."

How many rooms are there? Not just two, I would hope.